The Most Excellent Humiliation That Ever Could Have Happened to Me

I had a catering gig last month for a staffing company I work for intermittently.  It was a commemoration of the 100th year that the Los Angeles Country Club has been at its current location.  I was bartending that evening.  I arrived to work early because that’s how I get down, checked in, was shown my bar, and I started setting up.  There was a stack of boxes that I needed to empty filled with liquors, wines, and sodas to stock the bar with.  I squatted down after a few minutes of working to get a six-pack of Diet 7-Ups (EW!).  The seat of my pants split up the back, from the crotch all the way to heaven above.  I was wearing big white panties.

I gasped with surprise.  I spent approximately seven seconds in disbelief and shock.  I cussed like an old man on meth straight from one of Stephen King’s old novels set in Maine.  I held my ass and looked for someone who could help me.  I found a girl about my age who was a full-time employee for the club, and after she laughed her ass off, she showed me to a room where they kept needle and thread.  I retired to the ladies’ locker room, took off my pants, and thought about how much progress I’ve made over the years with the sewing machine but had never learned how to sew by hand.

After a few minutes of ignorance and ass-foolery on my part with the needle and thread, a woman walked in and gave me a puzzled look.  I laughed and explained to her what happened.  Well, must have God liked me that day because it turned out that she was ten minutes early for her call time and was quite adept at sewing by hand and was more than willing to help me.  I watched closely as she threaded the needle and started sewing the seam.  I had never really seen stitching like the way she had done it, so I made mental notes for, you know, just in case in the future.  She sewed it up really well, and it hasn’t busted since.

Why was this humiliation so wonderful?  Because.  There’s a sculpture project I’ve been working on since December, and I got stalled back in February.  Today was the first time since then I’ve even gone to my art studio aside from making rent payments.  I submitted for an art show that it looks like I’ll be participating in come the end of July, and I decided to get my ass back there and tough out this snag – maybe I could come up with a work-around.  As soon as I picked up the thread and needle, last month’s superhappyfuntime100% came back to my memory, and so did the nice lady’s methodology, so I tried it out.  AND IT WORKED!



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