But it’s not like you didn’t know that anyway.
| The Colbert Report | Mon - Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c | |||
| Alpha Dog of the Week - George Rekers | ||||
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Any time you see a political or religious figurehead fighting against the rights of the LGBTQ population, rest assured that THEY’RE GAY. And if you deny it, YOU’RE GAY. GAY GAY GAY FUH-LAAAAAMMIIIINNNGG!
Stephen Colbert you’re so dreamy!
Growing up, I didn’t look up to celebrities and famous people. I looked up to my little sister and craved favor from my mother and my friends. I’m not sure why, but that’s just how I was. I had a crush on Jasmine Guy and liked Karen White and Janet Jackson as a child, and I especially loved Alanis Morrisette in my middle school years, but I did not try to dress like them, talk like them, or embody their personalities. Now that I’m pushing 30, for some reason I find that I’m looking up to certain famous women more and more. I realized recently that they all have something in common: they have qualities that my mother and her sisters possess. I love that! This post at Bitch Magazine got me thinking about who I look to for inspiration as an adult.
My mother definitely goes at the top of the list. My parents got divorced when I was 4 and my sister was 2, and while I have memories of some of the really bad arguments they got into, I barely remember the transition from Daddy living at home to Daddy living somewhere else. She raised us by example: she didn’t and doesn’t talk about people behind their backs, she didn’t and doesn’t seek male approval (only the love of her husband, my step-dad Otis, whom I love), she didn’t and doesn’t have stupid-ass, Cosmo-ass magazines around the house, she wasn’t and isn’t petty, she didn’t and does not seek our friendship, and she didn’t and absolutely DOES NOT PUT UP WITH BULLSHIT. Yes! She’s the mother of mothers, and she got it from her mother, who got it from her mother. She looks like a fertility goddess these days. I told her that and she got ticked off. 
Anyone who compliments me about my deportment gets an earful about my mother these days.
I think there are two kinds of role models, though: the kind who you see yourself being like one day, and the kind that you admire and draw inspiration from. I am my mother on a genetic level and I have become her as an adult, with some extra-ness thrown in; we’re a lot alike, but not all the way. She’s the first kind of role model for me. There are other people – okay, women - that I’ve come to view as role models in my adulthood, and they inspire me to no end.
She was an adulteress. She met a man one day who did not judge her and she fell in love with him and left her old life behind. Who wouldn’t do so for love? Who wouldn’t love such a man? He was called Immanuel. To an outsider, she would have looked like a female seeking male approval, but I see her devotion as borne out of deep gratitude and true love, and she refused to feel ashamed about her past. No, I do not believe that she and “Jesus” got married and had a kid a la The DaVinci Code (that book was kinda dumb). I may not be the marrying type, but I don’t see anything wrong with sticking to the one you love, even if you’ll never have them physically. If you disagree, then you have never known love.
I almost cried when I couldn’t afford to go to her concert last year. I almost cried again when she cancelled her Coachella appearance this year. Grace Jones is IT. Her magnetism is palpable, and at 61 years old she’s still doing what Lady Gaga only wishes she could be (child don’t get me started – different post for a different day). Singer, fashion model, performance artist, actress, Mrs. Jones is my inspiration. I especially became more fascinated as I began to do more performance art myself. As you have probably guessed, VOS is no more, but I looked to Princess Grace to inform and embody my character. I did not copy anything she did; rather, I wanted to capture her spirit in what I was doing and turn in into something that was mine. One day I’ll have my chance to see her live, and I’ll kiss her feet. Favorite quote: “I also believe that all men must be penetrated…” from V Magazine interview
She’s sooooooo cool! I love her voice, I love her concepts, I love her openness and her loving heart! I love it that, just like Grace Jones, she’s an older artist who refuses to infantilize herself and dumb herself down just to appeal to a mainstream youth audience. I’ve never had the chance to see her live, but I hope I do one day. Pagan Poetry is one of my all-time favorite love songs and music videos, and I cry every time I hear it (don’t ever tell anyone that I’ve cried!). I think she could have done better as far as choosing a mate (I can’t stand the work of Matthew Barney), but hey… I’m still in love with two exes, one of whom can never enter the country again, so who am I to judge? I am no one. There’s something about the way that Bjork wears her heart on her sleeve, it makes me not ever want to be so cynical as to think myself above feelings and hope.
The first Peaches song I ever heard was her remix to Get Me Off by Bassment Jaxx back in 2002. I became obsessed, and I’ve been a loyal fan ever since. What I love about her is the fact that she unapologetically defines her own sexuality on her own terms. She doesn’t go for “conventional sexy” either (unlike the unoriginal, quite conventional Lady Gaga [let me stop]). Much like Grace Jones, her albums and persona are quite conceptual, and her music matches it. I got to see her up close and personal in concert last summer for the I Feel Cream tour, and it was MAGIC! And guess what? She personally gave me, out of all the people on the front row, an autographed drumstick. No, she didn’t hold her hand out and let people fight over it, she specifically looked at me, avoided other fans, and handed me the drumstick! *swooning again* Wanna see it? Here it go! ME!!!
This is the baddest homegirl out there. From her explosive first album Arular to her “controversial” (not to me) new music video for Born Free, this girl has got big balls. An artist, singer, graphic designer and daughter of a Tamil Tiger rebel, her music defies convention and is so much more than just ‘indie’: so much so that I am hard pressed to think of a genre for her music to fit in. And that’s awesome. I caught part of her set at Coachella in 2008 and her noise was righteous. I love how political her songs are (favorite= “World Town” from Kala), and they’re simultaneously danceable too. That’s what I’m talkin’ about! And not to press the matter too hard, but I love how she put Lady Gaga in her place! OK, I’m definitely going to have to do a Lady Gaga post next. All in all, if you don’t like M.I.A., you suck and you need some education. No, I will not apologize.
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I don’t seek to emulate any of the above ladies. I don’t seek to dress like them, act like them, or take on their personalities. I seek to embody the best of their characteristics as a grown woman, and to live my life as honestly and with as much integrity. There’s something in all of these ladies that is found in my mother, my grandmother, and my aunties Chris, Inez, and Neat – I want to mash it all up and ingest it and let it spread to my cells and live my life accordingly.
That is all.
The white blanket that isn’t mine is spread on the grass and I lay down in my layers. My layers of blouse, Sheer Energy Sun Beige stockings, professional black skirt just above the knee, cap-sleeved blazer, one-inch Guess heels, and wool coat. Texting on the smartphone. Looking up at the sky, and then there goes that little piece of lint that you can never look directly at – it’s just floating away from the center. There go those geometric patterns. There go those rods and cones.
The rods and cones spatter in the sky like nano beads of grease, but there is a pattern, and the sun is so nice and warm. Take off the wool coat, and I look at the wall. The neighbor’s wall. So tired and sleepy, I doze for a few seconds and then jerk awake. Oh! my legs they’re so heavy let’s let them lay down more. My heart, it beats so deeply - let’s not do anything. Energy courses through my arms from my shoulders to my fingers and they are micro-shaking. Each little breeze that plays across my browning back feels like the Gulf of Mexico.
Face down. The white blanket that isn’t mine has face. It has face. The face morphs from blank whiteness and I say “WHOA!” But then the face starts frowning and giving mean gestures and looks and expressions and I cry because that is so mean. I say, “Why would you do that?” The face becomes many faces, confused and sad and in agony and pleading and I cry even more because I cannot help them. But then it smiles. I smile. But then it looks mischievous. I raise my eyebrows. But then it looks surprised. I mirror it. Look at the lime bush! It has holes like eyes, and it’s looking at me with a knowing smile. It must be my deity. It’s a dog.
Blazer comes off; the sun is hot and I want to feel it. My eyelashes are walking along the white blanket that isn’t mine. The blue white blanket is the background of my walking eyelashes. Do you have a problem with that? I’m so tired. And yet the sky is so beautifully blue, I don’t want to miss it by dozing off. My eyes are closed and I see dreams and I’m not even asleep yet. Off with the Guess shoes, off with the Sun Beige. On the screen of my inner eyelids, weird undulating patterns of round magenta spheres; now yellow, now Starburst Orange, pink background. Back to my dogtreedeity. Still looking at me, head cocked to one side, winking, knowing. Go to hell – my legs are heavy.
Now heavy, deep, tired, fulfilling, dream-laden, sun-drenched, sleep.
1. Wow, I had such a nice weekend! Had a great time, met many new cool people, and got closer to a good friend – I love you Diana! Photos soon to come. I still wish Grace Jones would have made it, but it was great nonetheless; my time is gonna come.
2. Faith No More – Jesus they rocked it! OK, Mike Patton came out in a red-from-head-to-toe-three-piece-suit with a cane, and sang “Reunited”. Those dudes are past middle aged, and they still brought it. It was pure rock and roll – I went for a tumble in the mosh pit, and it was quite refreshing! Oh, and let me not forget to tell you that Patton came down off-stage into the crowd, sang “Ben”, and then crowd surfed. Yes!
3. MGMT – I only stayed for the first few songs, then became angry and left. Why? Let me tell you, MGMT is such a great contemporary rock band. You can tell who and what their influences are, and yet they keep it original. They sounded excellent out there. They started with some new songs which were wonderful – I was totally grooving, doing my disco dolly thing because that’s what I do. I noticed that most people there were just kinda standing around, just looking at the stage. I’m thinking to myself, “Do these kids realize it’s okay to dance? Or are they effin’ followers just waiting for a song they recognize from the radio?” Turns out the latter was true. After three great songs, the band launched into “Electric Feel” and all of a sudden, everyone started dancing. I actually got angry, and I’m never angry. I had to leave. What the hell is that? If you can only enjoy music you’ve heard 500 times before, you’re unoriginal and you’re a follower. I’m gonna play the lottery, win 300 billion dollars, and buy a venue exclusively for MGMT and only cool people will be allowed in.
4. Hipsters. They’re a source of constant amusement for me, but this weekend, they were crossing over into Annoyingland. Indian headdresses? Really? Please read this. And a good 37% of people looked like they were ripping off Urban Outfitters editorial spreads scrap for scrap. Look, I love Urban Outfitters, I’m not saying don’t shop there, I’m saying STOP BEING SUCH GODDAMN SHEEP. Jesus.
5. Major Lazer – I kinda stumbled into their tent, not realizing who they are. Have you seen this yet?
Well, if you hadn’t before, you have now. I first saw this video at a short film screening two months ago and nearly had a heart attack. The colors! The electro! The angry humping! Ay ay ay! I like the song, but Christ, yo! They were pretty fun, though. They had the whole tent jamming. I really enjoyed them, but didn’t recognize them until Skerrit Bwoy (blonde mohawk) unfolded a giant ladder, climbed to the top of it, and dove off of it onto the go-go girl waiting on the floor. She also took the plunge. The children. What will we do?
6. Devo – AWWWW YEEAAAAHHHH!!! I had been waiting for that day ever since I was FIVE, yo! I remember when I was little, I was fascinated with those hats and that weird music. And I was front. and. center. OK, picture this: five grey-haired, pot-bellied white men in their 60s wearing blue hats and grey work suits run onstage and rock out like it was still 1981. THAT’S what I’m talkin’ about! They started off with some new tunes which were great (I remember “Don’t tase me bro” being a recurring lyric in one of the songs), and then moved on into older stuff, complete with costume changes. I was getting a little concerned for the drummer – if you listen to their music, you know it’s not standard, beginner stuff so I’m surprised he didn’t pass out. He didn’t. Even after “Whip It”. They played all my favorite songs – Satisfaction, Uncontrollable Urge, Gates of Steel. If you went to the festival and didn’t make it to their performance, you have some serious penance to pay.
7. New Fashion Trend: the early 90’s. And you know what? For some reason, I didn’t find it as annoying as the faux-hippie trend. True, you could tell that it’s the new thing that everyone’s gonna be doing soon, but I don’t mind seeing what becomes of it. Lots of guys wearing neon-framed sunglasses with faded tanks, Venice Beach-in-the-late-80’s hair, and light-blue jeans cut off right above the knees. I swear I felt a time warp, I half expected to hear NWA and Guns n Roses on the radio.
8. Les Claypool – what a welcome surprise! They were in the same tent as Devo right before them, so I decided to get in there early and hope that I would enjoy these Claypool fellas. And they were pretty damn cool! This may be the weirdest sentence ever, but that Xylophonist rocked it! Oh, and they all wore pig masks. They have a jam band kind of sound, and were kinda weird, and they played great music, and what more could you ask for? Nothing. So don’t.
9. Infected Mushroom – SEXINESS. Well… sorry to say this, but not the drummer, just the rest of them. It was all the way live hard/metal house and Israeli pride. Oh, and…
drool. And I’m happy to report that the goatee has been shorn. They gave so much energy and the whole set was really great…
10. Orbital – It was pure, classic trance house. I love house music, I don’t love trance, and yet I love Orbital. I didn’t really know about them until around the end of my high school career, but better late than never! It’s different hearing “Chimes” live, and it was cool hearing “Satan” too. I was front and center and I just kind of blissed out.
11. Hot. Guys. Everywhere. It was like a buffet. I kinda wish I had indulged a bit, but I’m sure it’s for the better that I didn’t. I liked seeing all the couples in each others arms on the grass at night. I especially liked the abundance of shirtless men. It was all I could do to keep from pinching nipples left and right.
Okay, I’m spent. In sum: the positives outweighed the negatives, and I didn’t do drugs.
Now featuring in my Coachella channel -------->
I will now break form and not feature the video for Epic… you know… the only Faith No More song you probably remember. Instead, here’s a live version of I Started A Joke, originally from The Bee Gees. That dude can effing sing, he kinda has a Tom Jones thing going on with his voice, but not so cheesy.
<----- This. Will be done. By me. On Saturday at Pershing Square downtown. Click the image for more info, and bring it like it’s never been brought-en…
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